I swear it wasn't me.. unless it was a good thing then I did it...

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Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living...

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I'm at the age where I want two girls In case I fall asleep they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work...

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If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told...

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Don't Panic.Organize!

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We go together like copy and paste

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May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season

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Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree; Your ornaments are history.

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House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

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At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing...

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The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much

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Life is far too serious a thing to talk seriously about.

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Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother. Santa wrote back: Send me your mother!

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