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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go...

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go...

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,...

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,...

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed...

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed...

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My...

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My...

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far...

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in...

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one...

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one...

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,...

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My...

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped...

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped...

We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy...

We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy...

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they...

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they...

However toplofty and idealistic a man may be, he can always rationalize his right to...

However toplofty and idealistic a man may be, he can always rationalize his right to...