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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped...

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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped...

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's...

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's...

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed...

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed...

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My...

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far...

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go...

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one...

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one...

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new...

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new...

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,...

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,...

Boy, life takes a long time to live

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Boy, life takes a long time to live

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how...

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how...