Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped...
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's...
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...
#Bankers And Banks
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one...
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new...
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,...
Boy, life takes a long time to live
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how...
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,...
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed...
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far...
#Doing Your Best
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.