I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Funny Quotes

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss with a stranger.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put...

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of...

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of...

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

Women make up only 25 percent of the science, engineering and technology workforce... We are...

Women make up only 25 percent of the science, engineering and technology workforce... We are...

Women who buy perfume and flowers for themselves because their men won't do it are...

Women who buy perfume and flowers for themselves because their men won't do it are...