I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the hell off my property.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Joan Rivers Quotes

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the...

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.

Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.

It used to be that we in films were the lowest form of art. Now...

It used to be that we in films were the lowest form of art. Now...