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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper...

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For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper...

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they...

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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they...

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has...

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has...

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he...

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Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he...

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

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Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was...

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and...

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and...

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing,...

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing,...

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous....

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous....