Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Quote by Johnny Carson
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has...
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing...
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and...
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he...
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing,...
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow...
We're more effective than birth control pills.
The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives...
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money
When an actor has money, he doesn't send letters, but telegrams.
It is more rewarding to watch money change the world than watch it accumulate.
Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted, and the trouble is I don't...