I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Quote by Johnny Carson

Topics: Johnny Carson Quotes

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and...

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and...

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper...

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper...

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they...

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they...

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous....

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous....

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing...

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow...

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow...

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives...

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives...

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together....

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together....

I call everyone 'Darling' because I can't remember their names.

I call everyone 'Darling' because I can't remember their names.

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter...

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter...

No evil is without its compensation. The less money, the less trouble; the less favor,...

No evil is without its compensation. The less money, the less trouble; the less favor,...

He left a bit too easily and with obvious relief. His feet were swift and...

He left a bit too easily and with obvious relief. His feet were swift and...