I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Quote by Johnny Carson

Topics: Johnny Carson Quotes

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing,...

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing,...

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they...

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they...

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and...

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and...

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow...

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives...

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives...

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper...

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper...

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives...

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives...

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing...

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing...

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at...

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at...

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing,...

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing,...

Of all the possible avenues of life there are to live for, complacency should be...

Of all the possible avenues of life there are to live for, complacency should be...

Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always...

Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always...