Quotes by Jack Handy

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

#Thinking

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in...

#Drink

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole...

#Drink

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

#Death

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

#Love

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,...

#Love

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

#Love

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND....

#Love

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached...

#Love

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,...

#Love

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

#Love

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden...

#Love