If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Love Quotes

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,...

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran...

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran...

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so...

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in...

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole...

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole...

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND....

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND....

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden...

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden...

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.

Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're...

Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're...

Everything is clearer when youre in love

Everything is clearer when youre in love