If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron! and started…

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Drink Quotes

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck,...

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck,...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And...

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And...

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into...

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the...

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the...

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell...

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

No man ever looks at the world with pristine eyes. He sees it edited by...

No man ever looks at the world with pristine eyes. He sees it edited by...

Truth cannot afford to be tolerant where it faces positive evil.

Truth cannot afford to be tolerant where it faces positive evil.

What do I think about the way most people dress? Most people are not something...

What do I think about the way most people dress? Most people are not something...