You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Quote by Dennis Miller

Topics: Dennis Miller Quotes

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was....

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was....

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's...

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's...

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps...

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps...

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out...

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out...

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job...

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job...

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't...

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't...

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're...

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're...

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was...

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was...

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply...

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply...

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time;...

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time;...

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red...

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red...

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a...

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a...

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.