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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank...

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank...

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to...

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to...

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food!

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food!

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to...

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to...

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good...

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good...

When marrying, one should ask oneself this question: Do you believe that you will be...

When marrying, one should ask oneself this question: Do you believe that you will be...

It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but...

It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but...

Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare...

Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare...

It was one of the deadliest and heaviest feelings of my life to feel that...

It was one of the deadliest and heaviest feelings of my life to feel that...

Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles,...

Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles,...

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It...

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It...

Memory tempers prosperity, mitigates adversity, controls youth, and delights old age.

Memory tempers prosperity, mitigates adversity, controls youth, and delights old age.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face...

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face...

An engineer is someone who washes his hands before going to the toilet.

An engineer is someone who washes his hands before going to the toilet.

I've loved science fiction ever since I was a little kid, mainly from looking at...

I've loved science fiction ever since I was a little kid, mainly from looking at...

The charms of the passing woman are generally in direct proportion to the swiftness of...

The charms of the passing woman are generally in direct proportion to the swiftness of...