A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

Quote by WC Fields

Topics: Alcohol Quotes, Funny Quotes

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own...

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own...

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food!

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food!

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to...

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to...

Be careful who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, that makes...

Be careful who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, that makes...

At what point to people get in their car and think 'I'm going to take...

At what point to people get in their car and think 'I'm going to take...

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone...

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone...

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man...

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man...

The surest sign of age is loneliness.

The surest sign of age is loneliness.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you...

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you...

If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work....

If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work....

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

Women give nothing to friendship except what they borrow from love.

Women give nothing to friendship except what they borrow from love.