What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

Quote by Scott Roeben

Topics: Funny Quotes, Sex Quotes

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting...

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting...

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It...

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

Age is a matter of feeling, not of years.

Age is a matter of feeling, not of years.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and...

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and...

No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special,...

No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special,...

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it...

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it...

Genius is present in every age, but the men carrying it within them remain benumbed...

Genius is present in every age, but the men carrying it within them remain benumbed...

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in...

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in...

Old age is not a disease - it is strength and survivorship, triumph over all...

Old age is not a disease - it is strength and survivorship, triumph over all...

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing...

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing...