Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

Quote by Scott Roeben

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is...

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting...

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the...

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept...

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the...

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone?...

It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone?...

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to...

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to...

Age appears to be best in four things, - old wood best to burn, old...

Age appears to be best in four things, - old wood best to burn, old...

Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.

Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.

I went on a children's roller coaster once when I was maybe 12-or some age...

I went on a children's roller coaster once when I was maybe 12-or some age...

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and...

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and...

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet....

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet....

Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough.

Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough.

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his...

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his...

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

I put my hand on the dark skin and felt the chill of centuries long...

I put my hand on the dark skin and felt the chill of centuries long...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...