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There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am...

There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am...

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Old age is no place for sissies.

Old age is no place for sissies.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

Before Shaq retired, they should have made him play a game dressed as Kazaam.

Before Shaq retired, they should have made him play a game dressed as Kazaam.

A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.

A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say...

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say...

Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any...

Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any...

At the gym Boy doing sit-ups: '1...2...3...' Hot girl walks by Boy: '97...98...99...'

At the gym Boy doing sit-ups: '1...2...3...' Hot girl walks by Boy: '97...98...99...'

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to...

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to...

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you...

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you...

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the...

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the...

We live in an age that is driven by information. Technological breakthroughs... are changing the...

We live in an age that is driven by information. Technological breakthroughs... are changing the...

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what...

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what...

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: 'Thanks...

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: 'Thanks...

Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the...

Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the...

Dear teacher, I talk no matter where I am. Moving my seat will not help.

Dear teacher, I talk no matter where I am. Moving my seat will not help.

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you...

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you...