Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger…

Quote by Tim Vine

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a...

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a...

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'...

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'...