MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Quote by Eddie Izzard

Topics: Comedy Quotes

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain...

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain...

So my choice is 'Or Death?

So my choice is 'Or Death?

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music...

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music...

[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand [Speaking] NOT a good idea,...

[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand [Speaking] NOT a good idea,...

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of...

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of...

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, Oh, my God! What...

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, Oh, my God! What...

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

Cashier: 'Have a nice day.' Me: 'Don't tell me what to do.'

Cashier: 'Have a nice day.' Me: 'Don't tell me what to do.'

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help...

Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help...