MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Quote by Eddie Izzard

Topics: Comedy Quotes

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain...

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain...

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, Oh, my God! What...

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, Oh, my God! What...

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music...

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music...

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; its a sort of detective...

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; its a sort of detective...

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

So my choice is 'Or Death?

So my choice is 'Or Death?

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of...

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of...

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand [Speaking] NOT a good idea,...

[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand [Speaking] NOT a good idea,...

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z,...

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z,...

Teenage boys, goaded by their surging hormones run in packs like the primal horde. They...

Teenage boys, goaded by their surging hormones run in packs like the primal horde. They...

Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who cannot,...

Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who cannot,...

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is...

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is...