I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Being Thankful Quotes, Laughter Quotes

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very...

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very...

80% of success is showing up.

80% of success is showing up.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I...

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I...

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.

Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

'Tis my opinion every man cheats in his own way, and he is only honest...

'Tis my opinion every man cheats in his own way, and he is only honest...

The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one's self. All sin is...

The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one's self. All sin is...

I believe I should have been swept away by the flood of French infidelity, if...

I believe I should have been swept away by the flood of French infidelity, if...