I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Being Thankful Quotes, Laughter Quotes

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good...

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good...

Maybe this is why so many serial killers work in pairs. It's nice not to...

Maybe this is why so many serial killers work in pairs. It's nice not to...

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.