I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Quote by Joe E Lewis

Topics: Funny Quotes

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next...

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next...

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days...

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days...

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you've got money.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you've got money.

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a...

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a...

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my...

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my...

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to...

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to...

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would...

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would...

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty,...

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty,...

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so...

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so...

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.