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Related Quotes

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons...

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons...

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one...

Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one...

Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get...

Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get...

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I...

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I...

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed...

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed...

I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same...

I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same...

A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives...

A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives...

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting...

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting...

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have...

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have...

My parents told me 'You watch too much TV and should try reading more!' So...

My parents told me 'You watch too much TV and should try reading more!' So...

Dear guy on the dance floor 'Raising the roof,' you're not raising your chances of...

Dear guy on the dance floor 'Raising the roof,' you're not raising your chances of...

Hopefully one day your life will be as cool as you make it appear on...

Hopefully one day your life will be as cool as you make it appear on...

What's the difference between a hockey team and a girl from Jersey Shore? The hockey...

What's the difference between a hockey team and a girl from Jersey Shore? The hockey...

Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....

Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....

No, I don't stop the microwave at 0:01 to feel like a bomb defuser...I stop...

No, I don't stop the microwave at 0:01 to feel like a bomb defuser...I stop...

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny...

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny...

That awkward moment during a test and you don't know any of the answers, so...

That awkward moment during a test and you don't know any of the answers, so...

That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.

That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.

I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a...

I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a...

The best time to make friends is before you need them.

The best time to make friends is before you need them.