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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing...

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing...

I'll tell ya my wife and I, we don't think alike She donates money to...

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I'll tell ya my wife and I, we don't think alike She donates money to...

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all

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If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all

I'm at the age where I want two girls In case I fall asleep they...

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I'm at the age where I want two girls In case I fall asleep they...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have...

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Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have...

Let's try teaching children how to think instead of what to think.

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Let's try teaching children how to think instead of what to think.

Let your children develop their own damn opinions.

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Let your children develop their own damn opinions.

Being a single parent is twice the work, twice the stress and twice the tears...

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Being a single parent is twice the work, twice the stress and twice the tears...

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

I've got six kids. I'm not done. I'm going to keep having kids until I...

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I've got six kids. I'm not done. I'm going to keep having kids until I...

Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read...

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Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read...

You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book...

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You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book...

Love your children and they will be able to outgrow you. Ignore your children and...

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Love your children and they will be able to outgrow you. Ignore your children and...

Children may close their ears to advice, but they keep their eyes open to an...

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Children may close their ears to advice, but they keep their eyes open to an...

They know me in a way no one ever has. They open me to things...

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They know me in a way no one ever has. They open me to things...

Once you accept that your child will be different, not better or worse, just different,...

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Once you accept that your child will be different, not better or worse, just different,...

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

I hate how I can imagine anything with anyone else because I imagined it all...

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I hate how I can imagine anything with anyone else because I imagined it all...