I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Quote by Joan Rivers

Topics: Funny Quotes, Religious Quotes

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss with a stranger.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the...

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through...

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

He who limps is still walking.

He who limps is still walking.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the...

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your...

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught...

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I...

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I...