I'm a one-man idiot.

Quote by Eddie Izzard

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

So my choice is 'Or Death?

So my choice is 'Or Death?

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything...

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; its a sort of detective...

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; its a sort of detective...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning!...

[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand [Speaking] NOT a good idea,...

[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand [Speaking] NOT a good idea,...

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. Thats Renaissance, FRENCH for re-birth. Re-nais-sance....

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. Thats Renaissance, FRENCH for re-birth. Re-nais-sance....

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of...

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of...

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught...

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught...

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain...

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain...

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then...

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, Oh, my God! What...

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, Oh, my God! What...

When belief in a god dies, the god dies

When belief in a god dies, the god dies

The greatest achievement for any human being is to love God, yourself, and others.

The greatest achievement for any human being is to love God, yourself, and others.