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If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

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If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

Sex is a sensation caused by temptation. A guy sticks his location in a girl's...

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Sex is a sensation caused by temptation. A guy sticks his location in a girl's...

At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

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At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

As I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing everyone...

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As I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing everyone...

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that...

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The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that...

New Year's Day is every man's birthday.

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New Year's Day is every man's birthday.

House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

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House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

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Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

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There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

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Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

A black cat crossing your path signifies..

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A black cat crossing your path signifies..

The PERFECT boyfriend doesn't DRINK, doesn't SMOKE, doesn't CHEAT and doesn't EXIST

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The PERFECT boyfriend doesn't DRINK, doesn't SMOKE, doesn't CHEAT and doesn't EXIST

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then...

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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then...

Strangers think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm out-going. My bestfriends know that I'm completely...

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Strangers think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm out-going. My bestfriends know that I'm completely...

Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree; Your ornaments are history.

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Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree; Your ornaments are history.

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

I've found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes

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I've found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

You weren't put on this earth to simply break even. You're here to break rules,...

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You weren't put on this earth to simply break even. You're here to break rules,...

Life is very complicated. Don't try to find answers because when you find answers life...

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Life is very complicated. Don't try to find answers because when you find answers life...

Live a life of love, honesty, appreciation, kindness and strength. Sprinkled with a little silliness

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Live a life of love, honesty, appreciation, kindness and strength. Sprinkled with a little silliness

An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything

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An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything