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Is that Vicondin? Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me

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Is that Vicondin? Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me

Falling in love is like being the frog disected in biology class. They open you...

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Falling in love is like being the frog disected in biology class. They open you...

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much

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The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much

Delete my feelings for you. Error.The file is too big.

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Delete my feelings for you. Error.The file is too big.

If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffe." "If you were my wife I'd...

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If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffe.

At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

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At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

You never know what you have until you clean your room

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You never know what you have until you clean your room

The only problem with sleeping with strangers is.. they're strange

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The only problem with sleeping with strangers is.. they're strange

Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit...

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Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit...

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

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Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays...

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Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays...

When I was little "I'm gonna tell your mom" was the scariest sentence ever

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When I was little

Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

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Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

A guy with a gun enters a bar. Who the fuck had sex with my...

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A guy with a gun enters a bar. Who the fuck had sex with my...

It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,...

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It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,...

I want your ugly I want your disease I want your love love I want...

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I want your ugly I want your disease I want your love love I want...

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

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Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

Oh I offended you with my opinion?! You should hear the ones I keep to...

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Oh I offended you with my opinion?! You should hear the ones I keep to...

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.

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If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.

Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Willing is not enough. We must do.

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Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Willing is not enough. We must do.

Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it

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Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it