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Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

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Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until...

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A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until...

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree; Your ornaments are history.

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Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree; Your ornaments are history.

I wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast...

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I wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast...

I swear it wasn't me.. unless it was a good thing then I did it...

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I swear it wasn't me.. unless it was a good thing then I did it...

Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.

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Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,...

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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,...

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you...

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Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you...

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

We go together like copy and paste

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We go together like copy and paste

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world . I know because I've...

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world . I know because I've...

A woman without her sister is like a bird without wings

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A woman without her sister is like a bird without wings

How do you ask a girl out? Simple. You open the door and say "Get...

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How do you ask a girl out? Simple. You open the door and say

I like nonsense it wakes up the brain cells

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I like nonsense it wakes up the brain cells

Learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.

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Learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better

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Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better

A wise man make his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion

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A wise man make his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion