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The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

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The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

There has got to be more to life than just be really, really ridiculously good...

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There has got to be more to life than just be really, really ridiculously good...

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance.There's no doubt about it.Anytime you have a...

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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance.There's no doubt about it.Anytime you have a...

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her...

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A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her...

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

Nun: Sister Augustine belives in things that aren't real. House: I thought that was a...

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Nun: Sister Augustine belives in things that aren't real. House: I thought that was a...

Life isn't like a bowl of cherries, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What...

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Life isn't like a bowl of cherries, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What...

When someone asks me to borrow a book, at first I'm happy they want to...

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When someone asks me to borrow a book, at first I'm happy they want to...

New Year's Resolution Last year Need to get in shape for spring This year need...

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New Year's Resolution Last year Need to get in shape for spring This year need...

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

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A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I always think clothes make you look fat, so I prefer to be naked.

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I always think clothes make you look fat, so I prefer to be naked.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as...

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If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as...

A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

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A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

Thing is, hope's for sissies.

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Thing is, hope's for sissies.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

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You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

When I was little "I'm gonna tell your mom" was the scariest sentence ever

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When I was little

Ignorance is a virus. Once it starts spreading, it can only be cured by reason....

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Ignorance is a virus. Once it starts spreading, it can only be cured by reason....

Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge

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Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body...

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Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body...