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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in...

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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in...

The 8-Track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to wife an earlier,...

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The 8-Track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to wife an earlier,...

Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you...

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Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you...

She ain't heavy cause she's in my heart already

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She ain't heavy cause she's in my heart already

How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to...

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How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to...

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

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Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart !...

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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart !...

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get

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The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get

Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

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Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.

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The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays...

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An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays...

If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

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If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother. Santa wrote back: Send me your mother!

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Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother. Santa wrote back: Send me your mother!

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have...

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Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget...

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget...