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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing...

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing...

Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit...

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Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit...

I love my computer because my friends live in it

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I love my computer because my friends live in it

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be...

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be...

A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

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A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

The only reason Debra keeps me alive it to open jars and kill bugs.

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The only reason Debra keeps me alive it to open jars and kill bugs.

May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season

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May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've...

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He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've...

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous...

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If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous...

I want your ugly I want your disease I want your love love I want...

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I want your ugly I want your disease I want your love love I want...

I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid, and...

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I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid, and...

I can read in Red, I can read in Blue I can read in pickle...

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I can read in Red, I can read in Blue I can read in pickle...

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, expensive or impossible

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Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, expensive or impossible

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects.

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My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world . I know because I've...

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world . I know because I've...

Open your eyes. Open your ears. Open your mind. Close your mouth

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Open your eyes. Open your ears. Open your mind. Close your mouth

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

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A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

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Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

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Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did...

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In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did...

Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.

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Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.