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I've found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes.

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I've found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes.

My friends praise me and make an ass of me, now my foes tell me...

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My friends praise me and make an ass of me, now my foes tell me...

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you...

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Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you...

Do you have any books about making friends?

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Do you have any books about making friends?

Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

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Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

Laughing at your own mistake can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can...

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Laughing at your own mistake can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can...

A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

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A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

Dr. Cuddy: When's the last time you showered? House: Scent of a man. I realize...

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Dr. Cuddy: When's the last time you showered? House: Scent of a man. I realize...

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in...

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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in...

Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status....

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Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status....

Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned!

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Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned!

Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

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Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Always have a friend with you on Christmas... who can take you back home when...

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Always have a friend with you on Christmas... who can take you back home when...

I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

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I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum? Welcome to the Carribbean love.

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You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum? Welcome to the Carribbean love.

The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

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The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...

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It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...

A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

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A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

Grief at the absence of a loved one is happiness compared to life with a...

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Grief at the absence of a loved one is happiness compared to life with a...

When it's a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.

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When it's a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.