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If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told...

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If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told...

Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree.

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Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

A jealous woman does better research that the FBI.

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A jealous woman does better research that the FBI.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say hello My first instinct...

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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say hello My first instinct...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...

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The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to...

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How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to...

Strangers think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm out-going. My bestfriends know that I'm completely...

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Strangers think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm out-going. My bestfriends know that I'm completely...

You know someone is your true friend if you tell a secret and the next...

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You know someone is your true friend if you tell a secret and the next...

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results

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Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results

OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things...

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OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things...

House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

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House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that...

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It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that...

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are...

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Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are...

A black cat crossing your path signifies..

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A black cat crossing your path signifies..

Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.

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Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.

Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

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Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....