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Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree.

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Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told...

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If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told...

Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their...

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Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their...

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, expensive or impossible

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Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, expensive or impossible

Time spent with cats is never wasted

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Time spent with cats is never wasted

I made me laugh

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I made me laugh

When 2 couples meet face to face, wives look at each other's dresses, and husbands...

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When 2 couples meet face to face, wives look at each other's dresses, and husbands...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...

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It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I...

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where...

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The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where...

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

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A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget...

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget...

Thing is, hope's for sissies.

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Thing is, hope's for sissies.

My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.

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My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.

Oh I offended you with my opinion?! You should hear the ones I keep to...

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Oh I offended you with my opinion?! You should hear the ones I keep to...

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. but it gets boring so I go back to...

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Sometimes I pretend to be normal. but it gets boring so I go back to...

I played Santa Claus many times, if you don't believe it, check out the divorce...

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I played Santa Claus many times, if you don't believe it, check out the divorce...

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.