Quotes by Stephen Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

#Bankers And Banks

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go...

#Birthday

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

#Chance

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

#Cheating

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

#Driving

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far...

#Doing Your Best

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

#Fishing

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in...

#Houses

I invented the cordless extension cord.

#Jokes

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing...

#Language

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went...

#Museums

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

#Painting