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I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I...

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I...

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting...

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting...

Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one...

Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one...

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have...

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have...

Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get...

Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get...

I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same...

I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same...

A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives...

A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives...

All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can...

All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can...

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons...

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons...

The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact...

The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact...

I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms...

I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms...

I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they...

I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they...

I probably could stand a chance on American Idol if I could bring my shower...

I probably could stand a chance on American Idol if I could bring my shower...

I have a memory foam mattress...and I really hope that it doesn't remember everything.

I have a memory foam mattress...and I really hope that it doesn't remember everything.

If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.

If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order...

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order...

Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....

Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....

Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the...

Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the...

Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.