When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

Quote by Jeff Shaw

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new...

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new...

A newspaper is lumber made malleable. It is ink made into words and pictures. It...

A newspaper is lumber made malleable. It is ink made into words and pictures. It...

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I...

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I...

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and half of Friday.

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and half of Friday.

In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest...

In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest...

I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing...

I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing...

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?'...

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?'...

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

If your attack is going too well, youre walking into an ambush.

If your attack is going too well, youre walking into an ambush.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but...

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but...

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order...

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then...

In my country we go to prison first and then become President .

In my country we go to prison first and then become President .

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Litigation takes the place of sex at middle age.

Litigation takes the place of sex at middle age.

Age: that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still...

Age: that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still...

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the...

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the...

An Egg to day is better than a Hen to-morrow

An Egg to day is better than a Hen to-morrow