Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.

Quote by Nick Swardson

Topics: Nick Swardson Quotes

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

Dude, we were just kidding JP. Don't be mad at us!

Dude, we were just kidding JP. Don't be mad at us!

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot...

My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot...

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Do you have bathrooms here, or do i have to shit in a plant?

Do you have bathrooms here, or do i have to shit in a plant?

Ah, you smell like a winner. You smell like USA!

Ah, you smell like a winner. You smell like USA!

God bless you Jimmy, God bless your heart.

God bless you Jimmy, God bless your heart.

You look great Jimmy. You look amazing and your hair rocks. You look so good,...

You look great Jimmy. You look amazing and your hair rocks. You look so good,...

That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so - you're dumb.

That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so - you're dumb.

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a...

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a...

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.