Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.

Quote by Nick Swardson

Topics: Nick Swardson Quotes

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

So, i mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean,...

So, i mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean,...

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

I moved to the Ukraine. And it was cold, and everyone had guns, and smelled...

I moved to the Ukraine. And it was cold, and everyone had guns, and smelled...

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

I have to pee out of my ass.

I have to pee out of my ass.

God bless you Jimmy, God bless your heart.

God bless you Jimmy, God bless your heart.

You look great Jimmy. You look amazing and your hair rocks. You look so good,...

You look great Jimmy. You look amazing and your hair rocks. You look so good,...

My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot...

My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot...

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a...

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a...

Ah, you smell like a winner. You smell like USA!

Ah, you smell like a winner. You smell like USA!