Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.

Quote by Nick Swardson

Topics: Nick Swardson Quotes

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I...

My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I...

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Wassup, Silver Fox? Oh, I started a fight club.

Wassup, Silver Fox? Oh, I started a fight club.

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so - you're dumb.

That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so - you're dumb.

So, i mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean,...

So, i mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean,...

I have to pee out of my ass.

I have to pee out of my ass.

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?