Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.

Quote by Nick Swardson

Topics: Nick Swardson Quotes

Do you have bathrooms here, or do i have to shit in a plant?

Do you have bathrooms here, or do i have to shit in a plant?

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot...

My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot...

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Wassup, Silver Fox? Oh, I started a fight club.

Wassup, Silver Fox? Oh, I started a fight club.

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

I moved to the Ukraine. And it was cold, and everyone had guns, and smelled...

I moved to the Ukraine. And it was cold, and everyone had guns, and smelled...

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a...

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a...

Ah, you smell like a winner. You smell like USA!

Ah, you smell like a winner. You smell like USA!