Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear.

Quote by Nick Swardson

Topics: Nick Swardson Quotes

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

Can we take a shower and talk about this?

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!

Do you have bathrooms here, or do i have to shit in a plant?

Do you have bathrooms here, or do i have to shit in a plant?

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Wassup, Silver Fox? Oh, I started a fight club.

Wassup, Silver Fox? Oh, I started a fight club.

I moved to the Ukraine. And it was cold, and everyone had guns, and smelled...

I moved to the Ukraine. And it was cold, and everyone had guns, and smelled...

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

Let's do it'The levels I mean, not sex.

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in...

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

Dude, we were just kidding JP. Don't be mad at us!

Dude, we were just kidding JP. Don't be mad at us!

My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I...

My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I...

You look great Jimmy. You look amazing and your hair rocks. You look so good,...

You look great Jimmy. You look amazing and your hair rocks. You look so good,...

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.