Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Quote by Woody Allen
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves...
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must...
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get...
Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.
Marriage is a series of desperate arguments people feel passionately about.