I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

Quote by Kevin Meaney

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

I can't think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends.

I can't think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends.

I hate it when I am singing a song and the artist gets the words...

I hate it when I am singing a song and the artist gets the words...

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked...

Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked...

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

The good writing of any age has always been the product of someone's neurosis.

The good writing of any age has always been the product of someone's neurosis.

Every city has a sex and an age which have nothing to do with demography....

Every city has a sex and an age which have nothing to do with demography....

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone...

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone...

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by...

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by...

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take...

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take...

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.

To teach how to live without certainty, and yet without, being paralyzed by hesitation, is...

To teach how to live without certainty, and yet without, being paralyzed by hesitation, is...

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you...

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want...

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want...

Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.

Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, Times are kind of tough....

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, Times are kind of tough....