I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

Quote by Kevin Meaney

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

In childhood be modest, in youth temperate, in adulthood just, and in old age prudent.

In childhood be modest, in youth temperate, in adulthood just, and in old age prudent.

The mind that is wise mourns less for what age takes away; than what it...

The mind that is wise mourns less for what age takes away; than what it...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and...

Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still Id like to express my thanks.

Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still Id like to express my thanks.

An age at which many men are not quite common - at which they are...

An age at which many men are not quite common - at which they are...

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably...

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably...

How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You...

How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You...

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.

Every great architect is - necessarily - a great poet. He must be a great...

Every great architect is - necessarily - a great poet. He must be a great...

Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends shortcomings.

Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends shortcomings.

That sign of old age, extolling the past at the expense of the present.

That sign of old age, extolling the past at the expense of the present.

In my country we go to prison first and then become President .

In my country we go to prison first and then become President .

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then...

She's got a great looking husband, a little boy and all the money in the...

She's got a great looking husband, a little boy and all the money in the...

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show...

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show...