If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Money Quotes

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in...

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole...

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the...

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran...

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached...

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

The most cowardly thing in the world is blaming mistakes upon the umpires. Too many...

The most cowardly thing in the world is blaming mistakes upon the umpires. Too many...

The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.

The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.

Fear has its use but cowardice has none.

Fear has its use but cowardice has none.

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is...

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is...