If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Better Off Dead Quotes

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

The spiritual being wants to be Destiny and the Destiny wants to become Evolution, and...

The spiritual being wants to be Destiny and the Destiny wants to become Evolution, and...

Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together: at the door where the latter enters, the...

Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together: at the door where the latter enters, the...

If we are to judge of love by the consequences, it more nearly resembles hatred...

If we are to judge of love by the consequences, it more nearly resembles hatred...