If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Quote by Jack Handey

Topics: Better Off Dead Quotes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a...

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake....

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,...

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,...

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.