I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Quote by Tommy Cooper

Topics: Tommy Cooper Quotes

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi...

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note...

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?'...

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?'...

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the...

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old...

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke...

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks....

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks....

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking...

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking...

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs...

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs...

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage...

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage...

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go...

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go...

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser...

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser...

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside...

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside...

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you...

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you...

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the...

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the...

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.