I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Quote by Dylan Moran

Topics: Comedy Quotes, Driving Quotes

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but...

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but...

I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.

I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms...

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms...

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger...

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger...

Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine...

Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine...

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will...

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will...

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works,...

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works,...

We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.

We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign...

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign...

I don't really think of myself as an actor.

I don't really think of myself as an actor.

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be...

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be...

Red meat is not bad for you

Red meat is not bad for you

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly...

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly...

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I...

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I...