A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer…

Quote by Roseanne Barr

Topics: Roseanne Barr Quotes

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my...

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my...

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about...

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about...

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be...

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be...

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be...

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be...

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't...

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't...

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time?...

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time?...

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the...

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the...

I know how to do anythingI'm a mom

I know how to do anythingI'm a mom

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done...

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done...

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a...

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a...

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants...

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants...

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the...

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the...

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

Anthropology provides a scientific basis for dealing with the crucial dilemma of the world today:...

Anthropology provides a scientific basis for dealing with the crucial dilemma of the world today:...

Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith...

Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith...

I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough...

I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough...