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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

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I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

When you're down Friends say: "If you need me, give me a call". Best friends...

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When you're down Friends say:

No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care

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No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care

"How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?" "I'm not...

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All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

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All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

Come out of the closet and still be awesome CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

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Come out of the closet and still be awesome CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

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There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits...

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Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits...

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

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Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

Love the life you live. Live the life you love.

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Love the life you live. Live the life you love.

Do you ever wonder why Love is like drinking beer ? It's because once you...

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Do you ever wonder why Love is like drinking beer ? It's because once you...

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

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Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

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You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

You have 200. 194. 305 friend requests. I knew this Facebook thing was a bad...

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You have 200. 194. 305 friend requests. I knew this Facebook thing was a bad...

It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that...

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It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that...

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope...

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Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope...