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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

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Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

Don't just teach your children to read.. Teach them to question what they read. Teach...

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Don't just teach your children to read.. Teach them to question what they read. Teach...

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

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Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

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Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

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Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

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If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

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The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

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Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

Success is going from failure to failure Without loss of enthusiasm

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Success is going from failure to failure Without loss of enthusiasm

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.

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Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.

I feared people's opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.

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I feared people's opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.

Nothing that results from human progress is achieved with unanimous consent

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Nothing that results from human progress is achieved with unanimous consent