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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Don't just teach your children to read.. Teach them to question what they read. Teach...

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Don't just teach your children to read.. Teach them to question what they read. Teach...

Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

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Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

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Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

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If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

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Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

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Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

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The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

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Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style....

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If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style....

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed...

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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from...

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from...

You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.

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You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I...

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I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I...

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other...

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If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other...