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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

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A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

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Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

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Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

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Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

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Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

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If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

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The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels

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Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs

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Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs

The man who knows how will always have a job. The man who also knows...

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The man who knows how will always have a job. The man who also knows...