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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

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Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

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Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

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A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

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Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

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Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

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The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

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Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A...

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When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A...

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

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I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time...

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time...

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results

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Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results

A promise means EVERYTHING But once is it broken sorry means NOTHING

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A promise means EVERYTHING But once is it broken sorry means NOTHING

I'd rather not have anything than be a liar.

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I'd rather not have anything than be a liar.

We lie to ourselves because the truth. The truth freaking hurts.

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We lie to ourselves because the truth. The truth freaking hurts.