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Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

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Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

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If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

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Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

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Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

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Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

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The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I...

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

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You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

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I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth

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The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth

There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.

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There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons....

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I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons....