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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

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If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

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Tits is a word you can't say on television. That's such a friendly word. It's...

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

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Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for...

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

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A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

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Violent Criminals. You take the entire state of Kansas , give them a couple of...

The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

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The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are...

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

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Some people see things that happen and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that...

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and...

Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

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Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as...

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If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as...

Would I rather be feared or loved. Easy, both. I want people to be afraid...

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Would I rather be feared or loved. Easy, both. I want people to be afraid...

A good man can feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world... oh...

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A good man can feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world... oh...

There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...