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You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum? Welcome to the Carribbean love.

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You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum? Welcome to the Carribbean love.

You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, it is the honest man...

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You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, it is the honest man...

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do...

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The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do...

Wherever we want to go, we go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's...

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Wherever we want to go, we go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's...

Close your eyes and pretend it’s all a bad dream. That’s how I get by.

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Close your eyes and pretend it’s all a bad dream. That’s how I get by.

My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.

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My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.

In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting...

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In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting...

Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope...

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Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope...

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to the their level and...

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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to the their level and...

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

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They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects.

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My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects.

Girls who love football are not weird. They're a rare gift from God. Those girls...

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Girls who love football are not weird. They're a rare gift from God. Those girls...

House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

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House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

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There are some things you don't want to hear. Here's something I don't want to...

New Year's Resolution Last year Need to get in shape for spring This year need...

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New Year's Resolution Last year Need to get in shape for spring This year need...

Life isn't like a bowl of cherries, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What...

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Life isn't like a bowl of cherries, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What...

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

Dear Santa, yeah, I was naughty this year and it was worth it, you fat...

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Dear Santa, yeah, I was naughty this year and it was worth it, you fat...