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The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's...

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's...

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about...

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about...

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

This is crazy Donald. When I see the prices at the mall, I just want...

This is crazy Donald. When I see the prices at the mall, I just want...

SS: Jesus is Magic.

SS: Jesus is Magic.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people...

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people...

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion....

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion....

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of...

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of...

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major...

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major...

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured...

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured...

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to...

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to...

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.