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I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion....

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion....

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of...

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of...

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's...

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's...

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about...

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about...

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

This is crazy Donald. When I see the prices at the mall, I just want...

This is crazy Donald. When I see the prices at the mall, I just want...

SS: Jesus is Magic.

SS: Jesus is Magic.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people...

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people...

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of...

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of...

I really think everything is fair game.

I really think everything is fair game.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as...

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as...