Why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday so close to Monday?
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
For in all the world there are no people so piteous and forlorn as those...
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
Education is what remains when one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years...
I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink...
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half...
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age.
This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the...
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the...
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull...
We should pay as much reverence to youth as we should to age; there are...
Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.
If Monday was a person, it'd be a Ginger...
Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems,...