There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Quote by Woody Allen
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...
Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to...
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will...
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...
I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too...
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I am two with nature.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.